Funny Insulting Wife / Missus Jokes - A wife - because beer is heavy.I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Met an old drunk at the bar; he had a picture of his wife in his shirt pocket. Every hour or so, he'd take it out and look at her.
I asked him why and he replied, "As soon as she starts to look pretty, I know it's time to go home."
One day my wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore.
Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up.
I asked her, "How come I have to give up stuff and you don't?"
"The make-up is to make me pretty for you."
"That's what the beer is for."
A drunk man is driving and weaving all over the road so a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," asks the cop, "that your wife fell out of your car a few blocks back?"
"Oh, thank God!" the drunk exclaims. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
It's 3am and a cop pulls over a guy who was driving not only way over the speed limit but was all over the road.
"Whoa there, sir, where are you going at this hour driving like that?"
"Well officer I'm going to a lecture on the dangers of drink driving and speeding"
"At 3am? Who holds that lecture?"
A guy's driving along a highway speeding well over the limit, and a cop behind him decides it's time to flip the lights on. As the cop speeds up, however, so does the man, but the man's car eventually reaches its limit and the interceptor finally succeeds in pulling him over. With steam pouring out of his ears, the cop storms out of his car and demands an explanation.
“Twenty years ago my wife ran away with a cop”, said the man; “I thought you were bringing her back.”