World's 100 Worst Tearable Funny Puns
What's the best way to make pants last? Make the jacket first.
Did you hear about the guy that got the left side of his body blown up? He's all right.
Two men were on a boat and wanted to smoke, but they didn't have anything to light their cigarettes, so they threw a cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter.
The other day I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned around and sneered at me, I thought to myself: that's a little condescending.
What happened to the human cannonball? He got fired.
The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
Did you hear about the lab assistant who accidentally froze himself to absolute zero?
He's 0K now.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
How did the pilot hide his identity? He went in da skies.
A cowboy walks into a German car convention. He sees a beautiful woman, walks up to her and says, "Audi"
My friend has a hat that has H2O written on it. First time i saw it, i asked, "Water you wearing?"
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it!
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down!
You know, sign language is pretty handy.
Why did the baby get arrested? He was resisting a rest.
What does the clock do when it's still hungry? It goes back four seconds.
What's the best time to go to the dentist? Two-thirty.
Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flies like a banana.
I used to be addicted to soap, but it's ok. I'm clean now.
But now I'm addicted to brake fluid; but don't worry, I can stop whenever I want.
Did you hear about that huge corduroy pillow trend? They're making headlines!
A woman walks in to a bar and asks for a double-entendre, so the bartender gives her one.
I remember this one time, I was trying to get my friends to groan in agony, so I told my top ten puns - all in a row. I was hoping one of them would set them off, but no pun in ten did. ;)
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
They told me I had Type-A blood, but it was just a Type-O.
World's 100 Worst Tearable Funny Joke Puns
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Dry erase boards are remarkable.
How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
World's 100 Worst Tearable Joke Funny Puns
What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making all the headlines!
Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
World's 100 Worst Tearable Funny Pun Jokes
A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
A good pun is its own reword.
I tried to catch some fog.. I mist!
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
I was reading a book on euthanasia.. it put me to sleep.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Do you know that pun about the ripping paper? It's tearable.
A broken pencil is pointless.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Velcro...what a rip off.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
I would talk about minorities in yachting, but I don't sea race.
World's 100 Worst Tearable Funny Pun Jokes