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Guest Joker - Chris Dyson

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King: “How many men have volunteered for my army?”
General: “380, my liege”
King: “OK, round them up”
General: “400, my liege”
 ~
Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I want us to split up.”
Boyfriend: “Great idea. That way we can cover twice as much ground.”
 ~
Buildings Inspector: “So what are you going to call this place?”
Darth Vader: “The Death...”
Buildings Inspector looks up from clipboard
Darth Vader: “...uhhhh The Health Star.”
~
A duck books into a hotel. He goes up to reception and says, "I'm feeling lucky, love. Have you got any condoms?"

"Yes we have,"  replies the receptionist. "Shall I put them on your bill?"

"Well, if you're feeling kinky," the duck says.
~
My wife and I had a horse-drawn wedding, we should have just hired a photographer.
~
Q: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

A: Nothing. They're both stuck up bitches.
~
Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obviously wrong with either of you. But Mary, I think you might be overheating in the act. I suggest you purchase a fan and use that when you go to bed.”

Paddy, being a careful sort, doesn’t want to splash out on a new fan so he rings his best pal Tommy and asks Tommy if he’ll flap a towel over Paddy and Mary as they make love.  That evening Tommy comes round and waves a towel over the couple as they go at it. Two hours later, there’s still no difference, Mary is still unsatisfied.

“Paddy, I tell you what,” suggests Mary, “Why don’t you swap places with Tommy? You can flap the towel and Tommy and I can try the love making.”

Desperate, Paddy agrees. Within 5 minutes of Mary and Tommy making vigorous love Mary reaches a thunderous climax, and then again. And then again. Finally after an hour they both collapse on the bed, exhausted.”

“That, Tommy”, Paddy announces, “is how you flap a bloody towel!”

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Featured Joke

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called 'woman'.

And God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."

"What will this woman cost?" asked Adam.

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam scratched his head for a moment and then asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"
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