Funny Quote Guru

"The wisdom of the wise is just a click away. Funny wise life quotes and quirky sayings from the FJP guru."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Age is a very high price to pay for maturity."
"I doubt, therefore I might be."
"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"The older you get, the better you realize you were."
"Indecision is the key to flexibility."
"I have seen the truth and it makes no sense."
"The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets."
"Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it."
"You are unique, just like everyone else."
Margeret Mead
"Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot."
"All's well that ends."
"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience."
"War does not determine who is right – only who is left."
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."
"Politicians and nappies should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."
"He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame."
"Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose."
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."
"When in doubt, mumble."
"If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off."
"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
"Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button."
"For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction."
"No one is listening until you fart."
"Only the dead go with the flow."
"Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head."
"There are no winners in life…only survivors."
"It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.."
"If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane."
"Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless."
"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."
"Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo."
"It's only an addiction if you can't afford it."
"Always be sure to add the insult to the injury."
“In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
“Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.”
Robert Frost
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”
Mark Twain
"The gods too are fond of a joke."
"People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them."
Dave Barry
"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it."
Andre Gide
"Those of little faith are of little hatred."
Eric Hoffer
"The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish."
Robert Jackson
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."
Joe Louis
"Give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish."
"To understand via the heart is not to understand."
Michel de Montaigne
"Praying is like sitting in a rocking chair - it'll give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere."
"The religion of one age is the literary entertainment of the next."
"Do not do good only because you fear punishment, or hope for reward."
"In a storm, a lighthouse is more useful than a church."
"The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike."
"Religions are what dreams are made of."
"All Gods were immortal."
"One religion is as true as another."
"All religions die of but one disease, that of being found out."
"All religions die of but one disease, that of being found out."
"A smile confuses an approaching frown"
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
"A closed mouth gathers no feet."
Sam Horn
"All the world is mad save for me and thee, and sometimes I wonder about thee."
"Happy is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."
"Eat well, stay fit, die anyway."
"Patience and self-control is the only way to survive in the world of idiots.
"A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking."
"You can spin as much as you wish; the butt is still at the back."
"Blessed is the man whose cognac is older than the woman he sleeps with."
"Money is only not the most important thing in life to those who have it."
"A man who runs in front of a car will soon get tired."
"It take many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it."
"A man who drives like hell will soon get there."
"Work to become, not to acquire."
"Do not argue with a man who has stolen your garden gate, as he may take a fence."
"Save 10% by switching to atheism."
"True friends don't judge each other. They judge other people, together."
"Calories are not burned by running away from your responsibilities."
“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”
“A closed mouth gathers no feet.”
Sam Horn
"A friend in need is a pest."
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Ben Franklin
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot."
"Eat well, stay fit, die anyway."
"Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
"Fish and visitors smell after three days."
"He who dies with the most toys is still dead."
"If you want to be criticized, marry."
"If you fail as a person, try writing a book."
"Man has his will but woman has her way."
Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
Michael Thompson
"If you change the word 'God' in the Bible to 'Ooga-Booga' then suddenly it all makes sense."
"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."
Sam Levenson
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
Dave Barry
"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way."
Sam Levenson
"Silence is golden. Too bad nobody is buying."
"Run away from temptations... but slowly, so they can catch up to you."
"A good person is one who can play an accordion, but doesn't."
"Find strength in your Wi-Fi signal."
"Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue."
"Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs..."
"Gods are fragile things. They may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense."
Chapman Cohen
"Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense."
"Don't waste your opportunity at the top of the food chain by being a vegetarian."
"It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak."
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
Elbert Hubbard
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
Isaac Asimov
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
Jim Carrey
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."
Anthony Burgess
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
Mark Twain
"Every dogma has its day."
Anthony Burgess
"It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance."
Thomas Sowell
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde
“Entropy isn’t what it used to be.”
"Eternity is a very long time. You sure you want it?"
Gerry Hatrić
"A wise man doesn’t know everything—only a fool does."
"A secret for two is soon a secret for nobody."
"After all is said and done, more is said than done."
"Trust God, if you must, but tie up your camel."
"If you speak too much, you will learn too little."
"There are no short cuts to any place worth going."
"Don’t hurry to your funeral. They won’t start without you."
"You can spin as much as you wish; the butt is still at the back."
"There mistakes that you can’t fix but there are no mistakes that cannot be made."
"When the ship is sinking, the simplest thing is to call it a submarine."
"To feel the pleasure of flight you don’t need a parachute, you only need it if you want to feel it again."
"The stains on your shirt won't be visible any more if you don’t wear it."
"A person can do anything – until he tries it."
"A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing."
"All would live long but none would be old."
Ben Franklin
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away."
Cassandra Chatfield
"Anyone who doesn't think there are two sides to an argument is probably in one."
"Being young is a fault that diminishes daily."
"The early worm gets eaten."
"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."
"Laugh at your problems, everybody else does."
"If you intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go."
"You've got two ears and one mouth for a reason."
“A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.”
Oscar Wilde
"Suicide doesn't take away the pain, it gives it to someone else."
"Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you."
Louis C.K.
“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
Mark Twain
"You have to be odd to be number one"
"Don't confuse the truth with the opinions of the idiotic majority."
"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm."
“Science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.”
Isaac Asimov
"People who are brutally honest generally enjoy the brutality more than the honesty."
Richard Needham
"No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away."
Sir Terry Pratchett
"Many people die at twenty five and aren’t buried until they are seventy five.”
Benjamin Franklin
"If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough."
Albert Einstein
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth."
Carl Sagan
"Only open your mouth if what you have to say is more beautiful than silence."
"You never learn anything by doing it right."
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
"Everyone has the right to be stupid, but don't abuse the privilege."
"Don’t take life so seriously. It isn’t permanent."
"In the end everything you do, is just everything you’ve done."
"Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often."
"Experience is another name for a series of mistakes."
"A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat."
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